In my last post, a self portrait in fragments of ear, eye, mouth, presented in a triptych, i mentioned some bizarre and very painful sensations in my ear, eye, head that i was experiencing the entire weekend with only my breath and a few aspirins to manage. https://seedsandfuses.wordpress.com/2021/08/21/photography-self-portrait/ After a trip to Kings a&e, the following Monday (which incidentally has been rebranded Emergency Department,) this transpired to be the onset of shingles! As a result have been pretty much out of action creatively or in any meaningful way beyond managing the pain.
It’s now day 28 of this painful affliction. The name, shingles, doesn’t do it justice, suggesting to me a pleasant isolated nudist beach, perhaps a little uneven underfoot but nevertheless one where one can fling off clothing and be entirely care free. A far flung vision from this encounter which has left life has been soooooo limited, so discomforted. This post took daaazzze to write as for some reason screen time has been super pain inducing. Please forgive any typos, dodgy syntax or poor formatting.
It is deduced the excruciating pain associated with this condition, (particularly with the ocular version; surrounding the eye, which i have) is the result of the varicella-zoster virus, the same that causes chickenpox but without such dire consequences. Apparently the virus lies inactive in nerve tissue near your spinal cord and brain. Years later, the virus may be reactivated as shingles.
The name of the virus brings to my mind in its addled state both a varieties of pasta and Nietzsche‘s Thus Spoke Zarathustra, of this I remember little, though there’s a copy someplace. Wordplay is all i have trying to find a word or series of words that adequately describe these sensations im subject to. I cannot. The words tingling, shooting, stabbing, burning and bruising oft mentioned in descriptions don’t do it. Don’t come close. No way.
On the subject of words i can report my poem Singing in the New, based on observations on Cressingham Gardens estate, (my home,) during lockdown one, appears in The Other Side. A copy of this dropped through my door last week. It’s a new publication from the No Planet B environmental film show. More info about that here https://mycommunitycinema.org.uk/cinemas/no-planet-b-film-club/ 🌎
Getting back to the shingles encounter I think it has helped that right from the beginning, forced to cancel the wellbeing retreat I’d booked, I decided to take an attitude of curiosity and acceptance towards the experience this sounded like, “Okay im not going to make that journey but this is just another journey, not one i choose but lets see what can I learn here, lets see what is the gift in this.” I think this has helped to develop a kind of sense of detachment or separation from what is going on.
In a recent meditation class our teacher, Tim Dyson, talked about dropping into a state of equanimity when suffering, i think that what it was about i wasn’t able to be entirely present at that time.
I’m not sure if this is the same thing I was doing or attempting to achieve and defo can’t say I’ve sustained it throughout. There have been times I lost the calm acceptance resulting in anxiety bordering on catastrophizing, particularly regarding the eye pain, which on one occassion took me back to an eight hour wait in a&e, feared the eye was reinfected, which can cause sight loss, an outcome which can be quite unnerving. (No pun intended.)
A less dramatic form of non acceptance took the form – I’m determined not to get this again – so I look up causes, I look up remedies, I look up vaccines, rather than be in the moment with the experience.
Mind you I have to say rather like these folklorist remedies which for me reflect somehow the ghastly nature of this condition and provided some much needed light relief. So here we have from the Encyclopedia of Folk Medicine, compiled by Gabrielle Hatfield, 2003
“This painful affliction has attracted diverse remedies in British Folklore Medicine… In the Isle of Wight an ointment was made from the verdigris scrapped off church bells…. Blood taken from the tale of a black cat was a cure in Ireland….In Lewis in the Scottish Highlands the blood of a black cock was recommended, or the blood of a person named Munro…. “
Hmm. Look out Munro!
The science is not exactly reassuring, according to studies. “About one in three adults will get shingles. A shingles outbreak can take weeks to heal, and the illness tends to follow a similar pattern, moving through several phases before becoming dormant again.”
My emphasis. Dormant again. So never defeated as such. Never complete free. You can contract shingles and still not be immune. You can get a vaccine and still not be immune. Since so much is unclear about this condition, i reckon best to take this attitude of equanimity.
Equanimity, i discover, is a concept in many spiritual traditions; defined in Buddhism as “a gentle way of life, a state of conscious wisdom and freedom—the great protector of love and compassion.” A bit wow, this definition goes on to add, ”Buddha describes a mind filled with equanimity as abundant, exalted, immeasurable, without hostility, and without ill-will..” see https://www.yogitimes.com/article/what-is-the-meaning-equanimity-define-how-buddhism
Here’s a version of an ancient story, Equanimity in Adversity: A Zen Story about Wild Horses, ive always rather liked, which kind of illustrates the attitude.
So its been four weeks into this journey on this rocky road, with fear at many turns, much pain and discomfort; i still have a feeling of numbness, not unlike when one has been given an injection at the dentist, around my mouth, side of my face up to my decimated eyebrow, still have to wear dark glasses to get through a movie of an evening, it wasnt long ago i was only out of bed a few hours a day so celebrate the progress!
Most of the alarming swelling to both sides of face has subsided ( reaction to antiboitic!) Blinking feels less like scrapping sand paper over my eye. Sometimes there seems to be a hiatus between thought and speech. When the pain killers kick in im still back in substantial but no longer excruciating pain, but theres always the breath. Had i been really hardcore i guess would have managed the pain entirely by breath and by now perhaps entirely escaped the wheel of samsara who knows!
It has all nevertheless brought me here. I actually feel a sense of contentment and gratitude. Kinda exalted. I felt this keenly at the wake for our beloved dj and all round special human Offshore which took place today. It was the first time ive been out in a month besides trips to Kings A&E and eye clinic, defo felt i had sea legs! (Well past the infectious stage.) Will this sense of peace last? Perhaps is just relief at at absence of constant pain though i feel I am growing a calm acceptance about myself and my life i dont think ive known before. And what is next?
I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all my spirtual teachers over the years which i believe has got me through this with something close to equanimity. And of course those who messaged me with words of comfort and kindness, those friends and neighbours who kept me supplied with food, numerous prescriptions, love and understanding.
Nothing for the diary as such going forward. ive not exactly had the radar up and screen time still really limited which i find hugely frustrating, not very zen i know! love and light to all.
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